1 September 2008
Maybe, just maybe, my luck’s changing for the better. As you will remember, my last blog told how I had to have a CVS procedure to check the chromosomal make-up of my long-awaited for baby, as there had been some concern that I was at high risk of Down’s Syndrome and other chromosomal abnormality.
Well I’m DELIGHTED to announce that he is completely healthy, chromosomally at least. They even checked the gene for Cystic Fibrosis of which, in this case, there is no evidence. And I say ‘he’ as I am the proud expectant mother of ANOTHER boy, so that will total 4 in all. Apart from the tongue in cheek response, that the basket father couldn’t even get it right to give me a girl, I have to suppress the desire to carry on breeding until I get the daughter that I believe every mother should have. Let’s face it, the way my luck has been going, I’ll end up with a football team before I’ve finished!
And the absent father? Well, he remains just that. I’ve not seen hide or hair of him since the scan after which I told him never to darken my door again. All that was left was the space for me to contemplate my future and to consider what my next steps should be with regards to making this low-life piece of scum take some responsibility for fatherhood.
Well I hummed and harred. I intermittently raged and ranted at the walls, sometimes directing the anger at having been abandoned whilst pregnant at myself. After all, I’m an intelligent, educated, freethinking woman with a blooming Masters degree! How could I have let this happen to me? If I’m honest and believe me, honesty has come at an extremely painful price, I can only blame myself. I think that my desperate desire to have another child blanketed out my ability to make discerning choices around picking a suitable partner. This man wasn’t really interested in building a life around my family and me. He was far more interested in the free bed, breakfast and evening meal on offer in return for some of his sperm. I should have seen the signs; his lack of commitment to actually moving in, his complaining that he wasn’t part of my family, his distance around anything to do with family, birthday parties, days out, that sort of thing.
As for the future? Well, I’ve given it a lot of thought and in spite of my earlier desire to chase this man through every court in the land for a DNA test and subsequent paternity payments, I’ve decided to just let it be. I don’t have the time, the patience, the money or more importantly, the emotional energy to pursue him. I will have my hands full as it is, meeting the needs of my lovely boys – you will remember that two of my existing children are on the Autistic Spectrum. And I don’t want the chase to become an embittered and fruitless pursuit. He’s out of my life, probably for the better and for good and it’s his loss, not mine.
My primary concern here and now is to continue bonding and building a loving relationship with this unborn, but much wanted baby. Up until now, I’ve been somewhat distracted and have rather neglected talking to and nurturing this blossoming bump. I don’t want him to be born under a cloud. I want him to be as welcome as all my other children were and so my chief concern is to turn my thoughts away from his absent father and turn towards him, his inevitable birth and our on-going lives together. Here’s to the future!