IT'S CHRISTMAS by Ian Waite

As a sequined trouser wearing brummie once declared ……‘’ITS CHRISTMAS’’….. (just in case you hadn’t noticed)…

The excitement in my house is growing by the day. Constant questions like ‘is it Christmas tomorrow?’ and, ‘can I get that from Santa’ (said to every toy advert). It’s a wonder my partner and kids don’t tell me to shut up.

The good news now that I am a big boy is that I can decide what toys I get for Christmas. This is because I get to buy them and then pretend they are for my sons. I have even ensured I get to play with them first as I have carefully selected Lego sets just that bit too hard for my eldest. I suppose I will have to help put them together …. Oh the trials of fatherhood!!

I am all gearing up for the big day which we are having as a nuclear family this year. By this I mean it is without grandparents or aunties etc (not that I brought plutonium off a Russian to make the tree glow). It’s even nice and frosty at the moment which makes me feel even more festive. The kids were sliding around on the ice outside school this morning, having a great time. Then up came a fat jolly man with a sack (stay with me this is all true). However this wasn’t Father Christmas it was - of course - the school caretaker with a big sack of salt to pour all over the floor and end the festive joviality due to health and safety regulations. The ice then turned to mush which was just as slippery as the ice. All the children kept falling down (as they did when it was icy) only this time when they fell over they all got industrial salt under there finger nails and started screaming in pain. I know the intentions were good but it does make you wonder….?

Anyway, I’m off to roast some chestnuts. Oh don’t worry... I won’t endanger my children by using an unsafe open fire. To avoid smoke inhalation and potential burning incidents I have borrowed a ‘Plutoni-Roast-210’ oven off my mate Igor. Apparently it uses the latest Belarusian technology to cook your nuts in an instant!!



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