Player 1 Insert Coins to Contine by Ian Waite

Player 1 : Insert Coins to Continue

Ever had an out of body experience? Or do you ever feel detached from your life and are viewing events from a 3rd person perspective?

The more your identity becomes that of a father than a person in your own right, the more you find you no longer own the rights to your own career, fitness or even your body.

For example, I have just found out that I now weigh more than I ever have before in my entire life. Previously feelings of vanity would have induced me to stop eating pies and start exercising more. Instead I am now concerned that my weight will spiral out of control causing me to die of a heart attack at 45, leaving my boys fatherless in their teen years and therefore becoming hoodie gang leaders and breaking their mother’s heart.

But the solution to these kind of problems can leave you making further decisions about you as seen from your children’s perspective. I used to cycle to work in my youth and this kept me very fit. I used to wear a helmet and although there is a risk of injury or death on London’s roads, I considered it worth while for the financial and health benefits. Now however, things are different. It’s not just my fleshy brain I am risking out on the mean streets, but a fleshy brain that two young children well rely on for the next 20 years or so. In some respects they need it more than me (I only get to use it sporadically) and as such I feel it is no longer able to risk someone else’s property.

I also used to play rugby, but again my eldest son uses my legs to walk him to school every day so it would be very awkward if I were to break them for him. In desperation I have started playing ‘touch’ rugby and squash. Seeing as the only bit of rugby I was good at was jumping up and down on people, it just isn’t quite the same. I am also very bad at squash so together they make me feel both a ‘wimp’ and ‘unskilled’. It’s enough to drive you to sitting round the house eating pies and playing computer games.

This brings us back to the 3rd person perspective thing: perhaps they could invent a new game called ‘Risk Avoidance Dad’ where you navigate a tired fat looking man around a beige world avoiding evil ‘traps of excitement’ and fighting off ‘guilt monsters’.

‘Congratulations player one, you have now collected enough ‘pension gems’ to gain entry to the hidden level ‘world of un-risky pass times’!

I hope I haven’t damaged my eye site or absorbed too much radiation from the monitor while writing this, as then I’m gonna be in real trouble…

Anyway I have to stop writing as I have just seen the ‘end of level baddie’ coming with her ex rays eyes that can see into my mind, armed with her all smothering cotton wool gun!!!

Game Over………… insert coins to continue?

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