Anyone for tea by Jo

They say a watched kettle never boils, well I say a watched toddler never poos.

[advert:mpu]I have spent the last week potty training Gabriel aged 2 and ½. It has been a strange week. Despite having potty trained my other 2, I seem to have forgotten some of the basic rules. It is crucial for the first couple of days to follow your child round like a groupie, or a behaviour analyst. Every move they make needs to be analysed, every facial expression scrutinised… are they just concentrating on lego or could this be the beginning of ‘the poo.’

  • Day one: I am lulled into a false sense of security. Gabriel completes his tasks successfully. He proves himself to be a fast learner, competent and in line for a good appraisal.
  • Day two AM – feeling over confident, I take him out. I talk to a friend in the playground. Taking advantage of his mother’s need for social interaction, he seizes the moment and… does a big poo in his pants. He walks legs wide apart, reminiscent of a man who has seen too much action the night before. I seize him and sort him out.
  • Day 3 – I take my watch duty seriously. I feel like a detective on a stake-out. I see a grimace, I see him clutch the edge of the sofa.. this can only mean one thing. I run in slow motion, grab him and plonk him on the potty. He sits for a while, engrossed in watching the night garden. 15 minutes later - no joy.
    I have had enough. I take 5 minutes out and make a cup of tea. I return - the smell hits me first. Shit! In every sense of the word. There it is again, man of action stance. I check. The eagle has landed... in his pants.
    OK - I will overcome these setbacks. I up the bribe, em, sorry incentive, to two chocolate buttons for a poo in the potty. We return to back- to- back Cbeebies. Things get so bad that we’ve gone full circle and watch the same episode of Lunar Jim for a second time. I give up. I succumb to the boredom and fall asleep.
    I wake up 5 mins later to see Gabriel with his arms in the air (reminiscent of a magician at a birthday party) singing - “ Da Dah” . He points to the potty. I peer over, and there indeed is a giant poo. Gabriel and I dance the victory dance round the living room. Bottom cleaned, potty cleaned, and ½ packet of chocolate buttons later (he is getting very savvy!), we are ready to face the world.
  • Day 4: Things are going ok. It’s Saturday morning and Avi has been with the kids for a couple of hours. I wake up late, and mooch into the children’s bedrooms, open windows, make beds etc. Something is strange in Gabriel’s room, his tea set is out, but something is not right. I get close and notice that the teapot has something in it, yup Gabriel has grasped the concept that you poo into something and has landed one right in there. Gabriel having great social grace, has then attempted to pour some into tea cup for this teddy.

    How kind, how gross!!!

So remember when a 2 year old comes up to you to offer you a cup of tea, and you think how cute. Think again, and take a good look at what’s inside the cup!


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