Will Work for Food and Possibly Nursery Place by Roy

Well now, it’s been a while since my last post. What with house decorating, tickling baby and watching Heroes (the best thing on telly, after Entourage, of course).

The things that are mainly vexing me, currently:

Nurseries: when you aren’t looking for one, they seem to sprout legs and plonk themselves down on every street corner. 'Oh, we’ll get her in one locally, there’s loads of them around...' Ha! that’s what you think pal!

So like a good, little dad, bounding like a happy Labrador into a field of snakes, I think 'no problem, I'll put the little one down for two of these here nurseries – heh heh clever dad, that’ll be plenty'. Cut to 3 months later. The phone rings, “Hello is that Mr Murphy. Awfully sorry to inform you but were closing down in a month so you’ll have to put little Gracie somewhere else than Happy Child."

Happy child? More like desolate street urchin with parents reduced to selling matches.

Hmmm… But hey, no great prob, thinks superdad, we’ve got the back-up nursery up our sleeves. Excellent. Let’s congratulate ourselves on our thoroughness. 'Hello? Oh really, is that so? Closing down you say?'... Click. So that’ll be one child, check. No nursery, check. One big problem, check.

After a quite frankly shocking two weeks of pleading, bribing, threatening and sailing close to receiving a nursery ASBO for pestering. We finally got one. Halleluiah. It’s got painted walls, kiddie type stuff inside, swings and everything – so it must be good. Little Gracie is starting next week. No kidding. We’ve got a baby in School. SCHOOL I tell you. Crikey they don’t half start them young these days, dontcha think?

Now all our problems are solved, thanks to a little gentle mind-melding, all we’ve got to deal with now is 5.30am starts, drop-off, pick-up, nits, other people’s demon babies and a whole whirlwind of baby-related shenanigans.

Who’d be a daddy eh?

Other questions I’d quite like answered:

When is the legal/moral right age to bring your nipper to a mud filled, noise polluted gathering of ne’er do wells, i.e. Glastonbury?

What is the correct response to ah, that is one cute baby?

Maybe 'yeah she takes after me'. Bit too cocky? 'Yeah, she takes after her mum'. Bit too modest? 'No, no don’t be silly of course she’s not'. Bit too plainly-not-going-to-happen?

Why is it so hard to guess whether it’s a boy or a girl?

Bearing in mind she’s wearing a pink dress, her names Gracie, I’ve already told you twice it’s a girl, and are you on drugs?

Next time: Summer is almost here and the ongoing beer garden/baby issue needs to be nipped in the bud. Bud, geddit? Oh forget it.

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