Boyz to Men Or er Girls by Roy

When do you officially draw the line between having a baby and having a toddler? This is the current question that is keeping from a deep slumber. In the good old days back in the ‘hood (in the deepest, darkest, dangerous bog of Rural Ireland in case you are wondering, fellow Mac Daddies) you just knew. Now I’m not so sure.

[advert:mpu]The subtle change started when my friendly local publican, who used to whisper soft couch-coo noises toward me when I was ordering a pint of his best Ale (generally with baby in arms, I hasten to add) changed recently. ‘You feckless layabout’ ‘I’m calling the social services on you’ you’re the worst father I’ve ever met’ being my new greeting on a recent jolly jaunt to his hostelry. Quite a change, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Since when did bringing a toddler into the pub at one o’clock on a Saturday afternoon and not leaving ‘till gone six wasn’t on? Cripes. I used to get away with it when she was six months old hidden in the corner under a pile of coats. What’s the world coming to? Coochy coo indeed.

I then started noticing other subtle changes. My premium airline customer treatment and free seat for baby on my lap turned into a full-fare major expense. Even worse than that I’ve had to get rid of the nice, safe, and impossible to climb out of cot and buy a proper bed-type thing, with duvet, pillows and all that stuff. Flippin ‘eck. Where did the time go eh? Certainly not sleeping past 5.00am, that’s for sure.

Stop the roundabout. She’s growing up!

So what do you do when you little one officially tells you she is no longer a baby but a ‘big girl’ and wants to stay up and watch mummy and daddies programs? ‘Oh alright darling, you can watch some quality telly with daddy. Top gear re-runs or piers Morgan on…? A high fibre, high quality visual treat for the eyes and ears I’m sure you’ll agree.

This comes with its own hazards. How quickly can you put you hands over your little ones eyes and ears when Jeremy Clarkson starts swearing like a fisherman’s wife? PDQ I’d guess. I would have leapt for the remote control had my gorgeous little daughter not decided the day before to use it as a paddle in her “crocodile swamp” game. Anyone got a second hand sky remote going spare ‘cos i'm starting to get a little stir crazy watching the same channel 24/7. Toddlers eh.

Some other questions I would like answered this week

Is bear stories the most annoying TV program ever invented?

Am I likely to throw the remote control (if I had one) through the TV if I hear Dora the flipping explorers grating voice one more time?

Does anyone know any good anger management classes?

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